Anniversary

Today Simon and I have been married for four years. Four years! As much as I complain, I still can't really believe it's been that long.

I know it often seems that I have nothing good to say about Simon. Next to my mom, he is my biggest archenemy. And however many new leaves I turn over, I am likely to continue to bitch and moan about him and to him because he is abysmal at interpersonal communication and he is self-absorbed in a way that a boy might become if his mom always cooked his food and made his bed and put the toilet seat down so silently in the background that the boy thinks those things just happen on their own.

But it occurred to me last weekend, as we drove out to Stinson Beach and I tried to give him the silent treatment the whole way over (I made it to the San Rafael Bridge), that I relish my resentments. I get a sort of self-righteous glee in turning them over and over in my mind.

Then this morning after breakfast Simon turned to Henry and said, "Did you donate to Daddy's race fund? Thanks, Henry!" And my stomach flipped over as a realized that his 200 mile relay race is this weekend and I haven't donated one red cent. This after he donated $500 to my marathon fund last year because I had been griping about the fact that I wouldn't get the free hat they gave to early fundraisers.

And I remembered that before I hated him for things like breathing too loud in bed, I felt a near-constant guilt over being a lousy wife.

So maybe the truth is that I still love him dearly. I just have guilt issues in relationships. Oh, yeah, and this whole traditional-spousal-role thing also cheeses me off. Seriously, the next time he says, "I can watch Henry for you," I may smack him.

He did send me a large bouquet of flowers today, with a note that says, "I love you." This after I grunted and dodged a kiss when he wished me a Happy Anniversary this morning.

Honestly? I'm pretty lucky.