That annual SAHM salary thing

Every year around Mother's Day, salary.com comes up with the "market value" of a stay-at-home mom's efforts. This year they set it at $117,000 a year.

They estimate that moms at home assume 15 different professional roles around the house. Child care is, of course, number one. But they also throw in things like teacher, cook, janitor, CEO, and even plumber and auto mechanic.

It's a nice gesture, offering up this large sum of money to express the value of a home-based mom's work. And I think it's important, too, because most people I meet seem to think I paint my toenails and watch soap operas all day.

***For the record, my toenails are pretty fancy. That's because a $20 pedicure, a book, and a latte is a great big chunk of heaven when you've got an hour to kill while your in-laws bond with the kid. Also, we have to take off our shoes at Babygym, and I think my toes help offset the half-inch graying roots of my hair.***

But the study raises the question: Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

Because, you know, there's no job description for this sort of thing. If there were, I'd clearly be getting a very poor review.

I'm all over the child care, of course. It's what I do 10 to 12 hours on most days, and what I'm on call for the rest of the time. And I'll give myself some credit here: I'm good. I know what Henry likes to do, I know how to stop him from crying, I know about 90% of what he's trying to say. Although if I were paying someone I'd probably ask them to spend a little less time reading up on the Democratic nomination process in the morning.

But honestly, that's all I do. Teacher? Not so much. Yesterday Maura babysat, and when I came home she showed me how they had worked on "Up high" and "Down low," and also she had drawn pictures of a car and the sun on his easel and wrote the names of what they were. Here's what he's learned from me: when he spills something, he says, "Oh man."

Cook? Almost never. Most lunches are cold cheese, olives, a toasted pita, and some fruit. And dinner? When we have a stove and oven, which we don't due to our kitchen remodel, Simon cooks at least 70% of the time.

Housekeeper? If I were my housekeeper, I would fire myself immediately.

Plumber? Auto mechanic? No and no. Simon does these, too.

Like I said, it's a great study. And I know plenty of SAHMs, my step-sister Bridget, for example, who do all of these things at a professional level. I think she even washes and irons her husband's shirts. (I actually used that as a selling point about how we'd save money when I quit work, and after 4 weeks with no shirts, Simon quietly began taking them to the drycleaner again.)

Meanwhile, all I have to offer are my bodily presence and some kind of nebulous motherly love. I adore the child. He is exhausting, but I think he's a wonder.

That, right there--not even minimum wage.

Oh, here's the other thing I found under "Dream Job: Stay-at-home mom" on salary.com: "All three women are able to pursue hobbies they weren't able to give attention to while working out of the house. 'I love to read and have an insatiable appetite for books,' said Allshouse. 'Staying at home has given me time to read books that I've been wanting to read for years, including classics and current works.'"

She's reading books? Plural? I have been working through The Book Thief for three months.

Let's recap: Stay-at-home moms should be professional-level nannies, teachers, house cleaners, cooks, facilities managers, plumbers, and auto mechanics. And they finally get a chance to read those books they've been meaning to get to.

Do these women actually have kids?

At least it indicates that Simon should get a raise.